My Life in Like

November 30, 2008, 3:06 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , ,

I used to write a lot back in the day. I stumbled upon a story I wrote in 8th Grade, about two brothers.

It takes two men to make one brother.  -Israel ZangwillIt takes two men to make one brother. -Israel Zangwill

Pull me aside,
Tell me life goes on
And look deep inside me,
I’m calling for help,
Pretending that I’ve moved on,
But I can’t.

He brushed the blonde locks from his forehead, his blue eyes looking back at me. His eyes were cold, sorrowful, and completely beyond repair. I noticed that his bottom lip trembled. He was afraid, but he was hopeless. He was a sad sight, a man whose prayers were never answered. He took the time to touch his face, tracing his jaw with his fingers. I saw a rueful smile tug at his lips, but it was only for a moment. His eyes moved from my own, looking downwards at the sink.
His hand reached down. I tried to look, and I saw the blade.
He caressed it with the tip of his thumb… before he put it back down. He leaned his hands on the edges of the sink and tilted forwards, inclining closer to me. There we were, noses just inches apart. He sighed.
I looked deep into his blue pools, trying to find the soul inside. And there it was, lost, alone and afraid.
I turned my head away, tears threatening to break at the sight before me.
My reflection.

I was in between heaven and hell, pushing past the borders of life to reach a place where I could just be. Life was something I wanted to shut my eyes and walk away from. But it was never that simple. I was never allowed to walk away, I had been shoved into the limelight, pushed by people I hardly even knew.
I didn’t want it anymore.
I once did.
I had traded happiness for fame.
Love for wealth.
Wisdom for beauty.
I needed silence. I needed space. I needed escape. I couldn’t bounce back into the psychic of normalcy anymore. I didn’t have questions and I didn’t need answers. I just wanted to be.
I fulfilled my destiny, and I’m fed up with everyone, everything and afraid to find anything out any longer.
I’m scared. I’m lost. And I’m alone.
I once gave my heart and soul. Not this time, because I recognized the lies, the times that I wasted… the wars I went through.

Look deep inside,
And see what you find,
Don’t close your eyes,
And watch the tears fall,
As time goes by,
You’ll understand.

Feeling people standing around me, yet it’s deserted. I don’t see the reason for my presence. I just wander and never find. It left no chance to say “look back”. If you delve deep inside, you might find something-
A soul.
Bitterness became blatant, and for years I’ve tried to get past it, but nothing can veer me away.
If I were given the chance, I’d take it. But it was all thrown away… when now I know life doesn’t always go my way.
So understand…and realize.
I just wanted to run away.

You took it all away too fast,
Why didn’t you give me a chance?
To prove the truth,
And make things easier?
But you’ve moved on.

I walk down the street, and no one notices me anymore. My friends and my brothers ignore me. What was it that I did so wrong? They don’t even look at me. And when they do, it’s like they are looking past me, away from me… as if their disgust proves worthy enough to destroy me.
I have suddenly felt the uselessness of understanding. These were the people I trusted and cared for, but now, they’ve disappeared. But I watch, and I can never touch. I try to move on, and tell myself the life goes on.
But it doesn’t.
A tear falls, travelling down my cold and hardened cheek. The sun forgets to shine on me anymore, and I try to figure out why I’ve been placed here. Away from all humanity, and the closest thing I can brush my lips against, is silence.
I forgot my humility, and forgot about who I was.
I’ve left them all alone, and for years it has been that way, that I quit trying.
Until I found a sign.

I try to tell myself,
But I look like a fool,
Who tries to find the path
The path I fear to tread

I watched him on the stage, pulling his arms apart, and his blue eyes finding its way to connect with those seated around him. He kept a sweet smile, his eyes twinkling – until he spotted me. The color in his face drained, and his microphone fell from his hands. I looked into his eyes, a sad realization finding my mind. I turned away, refusing to look at him.
I walked away from that theater and never came back.
But he would find me.

Through my perspective,
You will see who I am.
There must be another way,
Chances have taken me.
I’ve got too many sins.

My apartment was dull, just like me.
Shameful, like me.
Chipping on the wall, like me.
It was a wreck, like me… as I broke down into sobs.
It was the first time I cried. Cried again like a baby.
I wanted so much to hold him, but I was a demon to him.
He ignored me, and finally I left. Why was he surprised to see me then?
He was going to give me hope.
I didn’t want it.
The way he looked. His reaction was too intense for me.
I reached into my pocket to take a look at his picture – just to remember, which I haven’t done in too long a time.
But my wallet was gone.
I had left it.

I don’t need anyone,
But it’s all a lie.
Destiny’s taken me,
Apart from you,
Causing the life to leave.

It was hours before I decided to go back to the theater – but I had not the chance. As I was sitting down, trying to create a plan – I heard a knock.
I looked at the door, my head spinning at the thought of someone who cared enough to visit.
“Come in…” I whispered. I had lost the feel to talk, a long time ago…
He continued to bang on the door – I could hear him slamming his body into the weak wood. I heard it creak and cry for him to stop. I stood up then, looking towards the door.
I heard him shout, yelling for me to get it open. I sighed, moving to open the door.

He looked wearily into the room, I could see him drink in the surroundings before he stepped in. I moved to the side, looking at how much he had changed.
He used to be so much younger before. I couldn’t see that carefree attitude he once had. He was no longer the brother I used to know. The one I used to laugh with all the time.
Nick didn’t even look at me as he headed towards the seat in which I had earlier occupied.
I sighed, closing the door behind us.

Nick looked at me, shivering in distrust as I stood before the door. He shook his head, before looking back down at the table next to my chair.
He started running his hands over my books… touching them with a softened hand. His eyes brimmed with tears now, and I looked away.

You were a friend
who lived in the shadows.
Waiting to rise again,
Now you look at me,
and I see pain.

He pulled out my wallet before he took his seat. I watched him flip through our memories, of the days that passed, the days I wasted looking, the days I wanted to relive… his face was on those pictures. I saw him look at our pictures. I saw him look at the pictures of all of us, together, smiling.
I wish life was that simple again, where we could retrace the steps.
I moved towards him, standing over him before I had the courage to speak.
“I’m sorry Nicky…”
Nick looked up, the tears were falling now… and I wiped them away.
Nick pulled away from me, looking at me in shock. He touched his cheek, before he looked back down at my wallet. I sighed, knowing there was nothing I could do but to wait.

It was then that I heard him whisper how he missed me. I almost choked, kneeling down and touching his knee. He shivered again, still unable to look at me. I smiled slightly, tears falling now, “I miss you too, Nicky.”
Nick shook his head before breaking down into terrifying sobs. “I miss you so much, Tom. I wish you never left. I wish you never blamed yourself. It wasn’t your fault!”
My heart fell.

I closed my eyes.
It had been too many years since that day.
It was my fault that we all fell apart.
I never knew what to do then, except run away.
And I left him, I left him to burn.
My eyes shot open, and I looked at Nick. He looked back at me now, his mouth moving in a motion towards prayer. “God, please bless his soul.”
I nodded my head, hoping God would forgive me for his passing.
“Thomas,” Nick whispered. It had been so many years since I heard my own name. “Go home.”
I sighed, there was no home left for me.
“It’s time to stop haunting me.”

I stood up, bewildered.
I had forgotten.
I had denied.

I was dead.

Love is.
November 16, 2008, 3:04 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

God wakes us up each morning through a bright light He calls the sun, he encourages us to live each day as if it is our last by savoring the blessings we have. Yet, life seems to zip past us, making us take for granted a thing called love. We think to ourselves that it doesn’t exist, or that it’s just too difficult to tackle. All around you are people breaking up, marriages falling apart and the realization that some people just don’t care. In the process, negativity is more likely to find it’s place perched on your shoulder, whispering doubt and malice in your ear. You doom your relationships through this negativity, granting it satisfaction each time you decide to give up. Then, you find yourself alone licking the wounds that you yourself have inflicted. Hoping, waiting, and wasting away instead of enjoying life and giving God time to find you your match. Your “person”… until you realize that time is not a burden, but rather a chance to turn your life around. Irregardless of any mistake you have made, or the amount of people who have witnessed your confusion – you always have the power to make it right.

It’s easier said then done, but reminding yourself constantly creates change that will one day become ingrained in your mind. However, it is still a constant journey that never ends, that tests you throughout life. God gives you ups and downs to see whether or not you will turn toward Him in the time of need, or revert back to despair. God gave me love, and many blessings, and today I realize I haven’t thanked him enough. That I took for granted a thing called love because that negativity perched itself on my shoulder today and I was too weak to push it away.

However, I learned that God puts another person in your path to help pick you up when you’ve fallen. That person loves you for who you are and the mistakes you make. That person loves you unconditionally and has the ultimate goal of making you happy even if sometimes you feel you don’t deserve it. So thank God today by continuing to love this person unconditionally.